Fecking Diary
by Songfic Misstress
Summary: Mello starts to write a journal. Rated for language and eventual lemon. Lots of swearing in this kind of AU, more "altered circumstance" world. Lots of confused, scarred, chocolate eating blondie. "Betching blog" now up and this is rated M.
1. Day one Why am I doing this?

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU... it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. If this does well, I'll write a companoin piece from Matt's point of view. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary. 

Fecking "Diary"

Dear Fucking "Diary"

Alight, I'm doing this. No idea why. I've heard it helps. I'm sure it's nothing compared to chocolate. Matt's at Future Shop, so I have hours. Here goes.

Half the time I don't even want to get out of bed. I just want to dive under the covers, keep a blanket over my scarred face and block out all of the noise, the light, the stares and the damn -pity- with my pillow. I want to shoot the alarm clock off it's stand and not go buy a new one. I want to smuggle chocolate to my room and never have to leave the comforts of my mattress. I want to cut off the mafia like the cancerous lump it is. I'll keep the leather outfit though, too badass to pass up. But anyways...Screw Kira, screw Near, and fuck "L". I don't want to put up with this damn justice bullshit anymore. It's crap and I know it. I -HATE- it.

Heh...that..that wasn't too bad. I feel a bit better now...almost as if I just ate a Kinder Surprise... I just have to make sure Matt doesn't find this now...

Matt. My roommate. My co-worker. My slave... my _bitch_... haha not ...quite. That kid confuses me...he's like... oh I don't know. I mean...it's not like I like him or anything... not that I don't like him...Gah, I sound like some prepubescent girl, whining about some boy.

Matt isn't just some boy. Ugh I don't mean it like. Stop thinking I mean it like that! er...wait.. no one's going to read this... anyways. Matt is my best friend...he has been since we were little... he's my...wait. He's my -only- friend. In fact...I think he's the only person that can stand me for any real length of time...how utterly depressing. but...if it had to be anyone, I'd still choose him... he looks so dash

Whoa. What the hell was that? Matt isn't dashing. anyways, he's my best friend and he's really cu

no. no. what the hell! He's a fucking asshole creeper bastard with nice hair and charming smile and 

that's it. I give up. I'm going for a walk. Need chocolate to figure this shit out. 

M

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	2. Day two I am Mello

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU... it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. If this does well, I'll write a companion piece from Matt's point of view. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary. Thank you for the reviews

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Fecking "Diary"

Dear Fucking "diary",

It would seem this is day two...Matt should be out getting my chocolate. Yay chocolate! Anyways. I see I didn't really introduce myself before. I shouldn't have too, since no one is ever going to read this and live...but...yeah... on to one of my favorite subjects...Me.

I'm a petite, blond, leather-wearing, chocolate-eating, hot and sexy piece of ass, and I know it. Yeah, that's right. My name is Mih...Mello. Yes. "Mello"... cool name fer a cool dude. I joined the mafia at fourteen, and was at the top in a matter of months. I had a face off with Kira and survived. I'm eighteen and **badass**. Oh, and I'm freakin' brilliant. Which is good so that I have smarts to fall back on, what with...with...this Massive Ugly Burn scar on my face. That fucking asshole bastard Kira owes me half my Goddamn head. And a bit of my shoulder...and my back...Fuck that hurt. It still does, but not on my skin. Getting the "pity looks" is actually worse then the outright horror. It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't been so good looking before...it...goddamnit I'm not going to cry or anything but...I miss my face. Before it had the Grand Canyon going down my cheek.I know I should be happy I'm alive, that Matt found me... and I am. But...I used to turn heads in a good way. And now I don't...anyways...

I never knew my parents. I was dropped off at an orphanage and left with a Rosary around my neck...maybe my mom or dad was religious, I don't know, I don't really care... I guess I'm Christian but...not really. I just don't take the Rosary off. Ever. Doesn't mean the big guy upstairs likes me, or even that he exists...I never really thought about it when I was a kid, I'm not about to start now...

Those were simple days...getting beaten by Near...beating up Near... tormenting my bitch ... er... Matt...sneaking Chocolate from Roger, the scary old guy that ran the place...good times...

Anyways...some basic things about me. I love chocolate. My favorite color is black. I drive a motorcycle...I like guns...I like leather... I hate Near... I hate mirrors, Door to Door converter people, and telemarketers, I REALLY hate being second... Oh. And I LOVE power. Power is like..well...I would say sex, but I wouldn't know. Stop laughing! So what if I'm eighteen! girls just...meh... I haven't found the right person...oh SHUT UP. Anyways...Power and Chocolate...and Ma

That's Matt's car in the driveway I think, time to hide this...yay he'll have my chocolate! 

I'll write in you tomorrow, you stupid book.

M 


	3. Day Three Matt

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU... it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. If this does well, I'll write a companion piece from Matt's point of view. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary. Thank you for the reviews, once this is done, the companion "Betchin' Blog" or something of the sort shall certainly commence. 

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Fecking "Diary"

Day Three. 

Dear Fucking "diary",

I'm going to **Kill** that bastard. I'm So damn tired because _he_ didn't bring home chocolate, he brought home a Goddamn GIRL. Yeah, he can do whatever and whoever he wants, the fucking fucktard grimy faced MANWHORE, but he doesn't have to be so **_loud_** about it. I was trying to **SLEEP.** Not to mention the fact that he was out to get chocolate, not go find someone to get laid with...I'm So Fucking Pissed. I want to shoot the inconsiderate red head right between his goggled eyes... aw shit. If I did that, who would bring me my chocolate? 

Damn. I'll have to let him live. 

Still though. So pissed. And no chocolate. And I'm tired. I swear, if one more thing goes wrong, I _will_ fucking kill someone... crap...I have to do laundry today... I got blood on my last pair of leather pants...need to go out...in...jeans...GODAMNMOTHERFUCKING GRAAAAAAHH! 

oh. and I'm out of bullets. I so that would be why my random shooting up the room while swearing like a madman thing didn't work about thirty seconds ago. Good thing Matt isn't here or he'd be laughing his ass off. When he gets back...or when I get back from laundry... next time I see him, we are having a goddamn talk. I LONG Goddamn talk. I can't stand this anymore. Anyways... I'm off to do laundry. I'll write after the talk. 

M

P.S. I hate goddamn jeans.

P.P.S He had better not expect me to wash any more of his goddamn "wannabe Waldo" shirts. He's outta luck, I am NOT His housewife! er...househusband...WHATEVER! LAUNDRY!


	4. Day Three Nose

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I do not own Mario, or Mario boxers. I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU... it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. If this does well, I'll write a companion piece from Matt's point of view. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary.

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Fecking "Diary"

Later in day three

Dear Fucking "Diary"

I have a black eye now. I'm ruined. Goddamn...Satandamn...stupid...there aren't enough insults for him right now. Fucking Matt. I...I seriously don't want to put up the effort to yell...I'm that...low kind of scary type angry... I want to kill him. End of story. 

We had a fight. Nothing new. I came home from doing laundry and sat at the computer until he came back. I mean, I put away my clothes, and dumped all of Matt's dirty stuff that had ended up with mine on his bed, since I was in no mood to deal with his Mario boxers at the moment...I didn't really do anything but think. Anyways. I have EVERY Right to be pissed, right? I mean..he forgot my _chocolate_ and brought him a _girl_ who he then _fucked_ so _loudly_ that I didn't get any _sleep_. Simple enough, right? I was well within my rights to break his nose.

Okay maybe breaking his nose was too far. A bit. MAYBE. I was high strung. I had no chocolate! And I was tired. IT WAS ALL HIS FAULT! The fact that he was ignoring my glare and babbling on about how great the sex was that I'd been forced to overhear really didn't help matters. As if he doesn't know that I've never...Fuck.

He COMPLETELY OVER REACTED! You know, I _did_ feel a twinge of Remorse when my fist connected and I felt/heard the bone in his face snap. And I...I kinda felt _really bad_ when his eyes got all wide from the shock and his nose started bleeding... but..when he spoke I got angry again. his voice was all...pissed.** I** was the one with the right to be pissed, not him. He was all like "I respect you" so I was very much like...I WIN! and then... then he suddenly had his knuckles leaving an imprint in the cheekbone/eye on my GOOD SIDE. Fucktard. as if I don't already look like a freak. And he said "But I respect myself, too." 

WHAT THE FUCK DOES _**THAT**_ MEAN! 

I didn't get to ask, because it was then that he ditched, his car wheels making that "you're going to goddamn fast you asshole" noise on the asphalt as the cigarette that fell from those soft lips was still smoking on the floor from when I punched him. I hope he gets blood all over his upholstery. Damn I need chocolate.I'm just sitting here with goddamn frozen peas smashed against my face, and my leg is jittering like it wants a marathon and my hand is moving a mile a minute because I _need_ that chocolate.Why in hell do we even _have_ peas? I sure as hell won't eat them... anyways...be right back

_**FUCK**_

My face looks...oh god...I can't go out like this..but if I don't go out like this, then I can't get chocolate...and if I don't have chocolate DAMN FUCKING SOON I'm going to LOSE IT. 

Ugh I think the asshole just pulled up in the driveway...I'll get back to you when I can, you rotten piece of paper...

M

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	5. Day four wtf

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU... it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. If this does well, I'll write a companion piece from Matt's point of view. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary. Thank you for the reviews

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Fecking "Diary"

Dear Fucking "diary",

Day four. Didn't sleep well. Matt is alive and we're good again. He came in with a thin strip of duct tape on his nose, holding his nose straight. I almost laughed, but then realized I was the one pressing vegetables into a black eye. We _both_ must have looked ridiculous. There was an uneasy silence for a bit, my peas started to thaw, a steady "drip...drip" punctuating our lack of speech.Then he tossed me chocolate. His was of saying sorry, I think. Not a bar, like usual, but one of those netted packs of Hershey's Kisses.

I made short if noisy work of them. I think I may have swallowed some of the aluminum wrapping, but it was worth it for the sweet milky goodness to melt on my tongue, my pain and jitters melting with it. Addiction sated, I looked up. He was still there, an odd little smile playing on those pouty lips. When my curious eyes met his he just shook his head. We still hadn't said anything. So I stared blankly for a bit. Then I informed him, factually, that he had ruined my face, pointing to not so frozen peas concealing my swollen shut eye. Again, he didn't speak, he just quirked his eyebrow. I was getting a little peeved. I moved the peas and felt pain go through me when he winced. I repeated.

"_You ruined my face."_

His eyes went soft, all -weird-... and he started shaking his head, sticking another cigarette in his mouth. Uhmm...YES HE DID! but...I didn't want to argue..because...this little..very very vain part of me thinks...maybe what he meant by disagreeing like that, was that...even scarred and bruisedmy face isn't...isn't ruined. Could he have been paying me a compliment? could he be saying I'm bea

Anyways. I didn't ask,. I want on to the subject that got us angry in the first place. 

_"I don't like her"_

I was referring, of course, to that girl he brought home, the little tramp that moans to goddamn loud. I was expecting another fight...after all, he brought this one home. That meant something, usually he'd just disappear for a night if he was getting laid, not do it in the house. Maybe...maybe I thought he was in love with her or some shit. I completely expected him to defend her. I didn't expect him to grin and tell me that I'd never see her again. but I sure as hell liked how easy that one was...I swear I heard him mutter the word "jealous" under his breath, with that damn cocky grin, but...I let it go. There was no way in hell I was jealous that he got laid and I didn't... 

After talking a bit more, which was mainly me scolding him for using duct tape, since he really should have used medical tape on that nose...we..uh...made up. we hugged. Er..embraced...or..whatever. It was manly! Only a few second long and ...yet it felt like an eternity. A good eternity, being in his arms. I felt...this...flippy feeling in my stomach. I must have eaten the chocolate way to fast.yes, it was the chocolate. So yeah, Then we played Smash Bros Brawl all day... aw fuck, he's coming back from grocery shopping. I'll tell you why I didn't sleep later, I have to carry in shit. I'll talk to you later.

Damn this is weird...

M.


	6. Day four Gay

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU... it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. If this does well, I'll write a companion piece from Matt's point of view. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary. Thank you for the reviews, once this is done, the companion "Betchin' Blog" or something of the sort shall certainly commence. 

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Fecking "Diary"

Day Four still. 

Dear Fucking "diary",

Matt's playing his gameboy, if I make it look like I'm making notes at the computer, he hopefully won't notice. If he does I'll...oh gods just... anyways...we played brawl for the rest of the day, and Matt pwnd my ass more than usual. I blamed my eye and he bought it... I was thinking. That's the thing about having a brain like mine. It likes to analyze things when I want it to shut the fuck up.Anyways, I couldn't get my mind off of my hug with Matt. It was different this time. I mean, we never were all touchy feely as kids, I was too cold and Matt's still rather shy...but of course we hugged...but...when we were kids...I never felt compelled to stare at Matt's ass like it was a chocolate bar.I never wanted to make sure he never let go. I figured...I made myself figure, that it's just that Matt rattled my brains when he punched me. I actually had myself believe it...so anyways, When Matt went to bed, I was too jittery. I'd already eaten five chocolate bars.They **weren't** helping. You know you're screwed when Chocolate just makes you hyper. It hasn't done that to me since I was what...four? Gods...so anyways...Matt went to bed, so I took a shower. Something's wrong with me. I was...y'know...doing what guys do in the shower. Ugh this is awkward...but no one will read it so...yeah...I was having some fun...by myself. And since I was by myself, I let my mind wander... I started of thinking about Hal, Near's little bitch, when...it didn't work. Sure, she's pretty and I've seen her naked and..it wasn't doing anything for me...and then...oh God I don't know why...my minds drifted to the sleeping red head down the hall and...my hands wandered and...his face was in my mind and..it was the most goddamn fun I've ever had! I ...will spare the details...but...I was exhausted afterwards. And very happy...and then I started drying off and realized what the hell I'd done. I'd gotten off thinking about my GUY roommate. my **_STRAIGHT _GUY ROOMMATE.** Who has been my friend since I was ...since EVER. Who is my **only** friend right now. Who I love. Like a BROTHER. er... something. Oh Gods I was so confused then, it's only worse now. I'm GAY? I can't be gay. I'm a Fucking registered member of the Mafia! I'm legally dead in ... a _lot_ of countries... just...NO! I hate pink, have no affinity for small dogs, only shop when it's a necessity. I suck at decorating and...and...I **can't** be gay.

Matt just asked what wrong and I started swearing up Kira. I think he bought it. I hope he bought it. if he asks to see this, I'm screwed, and not in the fun, slightly sticky way. not that I would know... Anyways...there's more. I finally went to bed, and just as I was drifting off, I **swear** I heard Matt groan my name in his sleep. which wouldn't be weird, at all, if it weren't for that husky tone he was calling out that girls name in from a few nights before...it wasn't "Mello" as in "GODDAMNIT MELLO MY GAMEBOY!" or "Hey Mello" it was a "Ohmigod Mello ;pant; I'm almost there ;pant; a few more seconds and..." you get the picture, I'm sure. and I got that flippy feeling from eating too fast again. but...I know I'm kidding myself. It isn't indigestion. 

Anyways...there's more. After grinning myself to sleep from Matt's muttered comment, I had a dream. I...good dream...I...oh gods it was so...I mean... I'll be frank. I've seen Matt naked tons of times. So seeing him between clothes in a dream wouldn't be that far fetched. but...for him to be walking towards me and ...giving me a hug and then...us... oh gods I'm turning red...making out and ...it didn't get any farther then that before I woke up but...me. and Matt. Making out. Naked...I hope Matt didn't just see the shiver go down my spine...naw, he's too busy playing Gameboy...aw fuck. I hate how tight my pants are these goddamn leathers make everything so goddamn obvious...I'll...be sitting here for a while, it seems...-ANYWAYS-. that's it. I'm done. Goddamn. hmmm I wonder...

O.O I just searched pr0n on the net. Girls officially turn me off. I'm fine now, down in the leather. FUCK THIS! I'M GAY! I'm a fag...I ...I... I...I'm signing off now. Matt got me a chocolate bunny...I'm going to devour it all, now, head first.

signing off to gorge myself.

M 


	7. Day five Realizations

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I do not own Mario, or Mario boxers. I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU... it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. If this does well, I'll write a companion piece from Matt's point of view. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary.

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Fecking "Diary"

Dear Fucking "diary"

Dreamed again, still just us making out. I've been having the best showers ever. I'm...gradually accepting this. I've gone through twice as much chocolate as usual, it's..it's almost like I'm keeping myself sedated on the stuff...I've realized a few things in the last twenty four hours...it's day five. 

one) I've had feeling for Matt for a long time, I just ignored them or didn't understand them, 

two) Girls...are...kinda icky. 

three) Leather is horrible to have as pants when I get Matt induced...er...y'know. noticeable side effects of a blood rush due to sexual arousal. And I'm not talking about the blushing that accompanies it. Different head. You get the picture.

four) I WAS jealous, about the whole girl thing, but not the way Matt thinks. He must think that I'm jealous that he gets laid all the time. That's not it. I was, if anything, jealous of the _girl_ for having Matt touch her like that, make her scream like that...

five) Six chocolate bunnies in one sitting makes me want to hurl.

six) There is a ... roughly...fifty seven percent chance I'm in...in...love. With Matt. 

That's where things get tricky. I've figured out a bunch of things about that, as well.

a) I don't like being in love.

b) It might be that that's making me want to hurl, not the bunnies

c) The reason for the two aformentioned points would be that I feel power**less** about it. And you know how I like power. 

d) Blushing every time I meet his eyes now is childish and must cease. Let's just get that memo to my cheeks, shall we?

e) If I love him, I'll want to start an actual "relationship" with him.

f) He needs to know.

That's where things get tricky _**again**_

I) I don't even know if Matt is **bi**.

II) I _really_ don't know if he'd go for me.

III) We've been friends since forever and I don't want to screw that up. Maybe just...make it rated R. 

IV) I know next to nothing about sex in general, let alone guy on guy. 

V) For all I know, Matt thinks gays are "fags" and better ignored or shot with those annoying puppies. 

VI) I have no clue how to bring it up with him. You don't just go "_hey, dude, what do you think of gay guys? would you date one? oh? a yes? heh...guesse what, I'm gay for you."_

**That**, my friend of paper, is how you get shot, I'm sure. 

I mean...when and how and where should I tell him! **If** I should at all! I have to be rational about this...goddamn it!

Fuck this. I'm... going to take a shower. With my imaginary Matt. I'll figure out this goddamn love stuff later. Maybe when Matt gets back from blockbuster.

Fuck you, "Diary"

M


	8. Day six Gone

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU.. it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. If this does well, I'll write a companion piece from Matt's point of view. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary. Thank you for the reviews, once this is done, the companion "Betchin' Blog" or something of the sort shall certainly commence. 

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Fecking "Diary"

Dear Fucking "Diary"

What the hell have I done? I.. Matt brought home movies, just as I was getting out of the shower and I blushed and ran to get dressed and then we sat on the couch and were going to watch movies together and Matt had gotten what he thought was a "Western" and I didn't say anything and we watched "Brokeback Mountain together and..oh god it was so damn awkward. However. It did get the ball rolling. Once it was over and I went to take it out of the DVD player (Matt seemed Frozen on our pleather couch) I was like

_That was .. interesting_

And he just kind of stared at me like I had three heads..but I kept talking.. and then I asked him what I he thought of gay couples. And he said that it didn't matter, so long as two people actually care for each other, it doesn't matter the gender..that made me happy..and reminded me that though he can shoot up a room full of people in the blink of an eye, Matt is actually rather sweet. That's why all the girls flock to him..I think. I looked at him askew for a moment, trying to gauge his reaction to my next question.

_And..if..**I** was gay?_

I didn't expect laughter.

_Yeah Mell..heh..yeah right. You're **not**_. 

He was laughing. That..made me force a bit of laughter.._of course not! but **if** I was.._

Besides his sweetness, something I often forget is how perceptive Matt is. He IS third in line for L..and he's known me for ..life. He knows when I'm not really laughing. And when I'm lying..so I was screaming "SHIT!" inside my head, keeping my expression neutral.

**_If_**_ you were..you are. Holy shit. You **ARE!**_

The cigarette from his mouth dangled precariously for a few moments before it dropped to the floor. I think the door shut before it hit the ground. Matt was gone. FUCK. It's been six hours, forty three minutes, and twenty..one seconds since he's left, but who the hell is counting? It's just past eight AM..Day six. The most miserable day in my goddamn motherfucking life. I ain't ashamed ta admit it, now. I'm so fucking miserable, when Matt first left, when the tires of his car squealed in the driveway..I cried. THAT FUCKING BASTARD MADE ME _**CRY!**_ I don't cry. If he comes back, I'm going to hurt him so bad for hurting me like this. _**If**_ he comes back.

If my plan is to hurt him so bad, why am I praying he'll come back? Why do I want him here if he hates what I am? 

The percentage of me being in love with that fucking asshole is about ninety eight. FUCK! just..fuck. I don't feel that I've lost my bitch I feel that I've lost..something more than that. I've lost .. goddamn everything I can think of sounds so damn Cliche. No, Matt wasn't a part of me. I wanted him to be. And I know that that will never happen. Ever. There's a gun in my pocket, if I'm this miserable..no. That's just stupid..but I have already cleaned every square inch of the house, keeping busy, and eaten the remainder of my chocolate stash..and I'm still not happy and he's still not back. I don't want to leave the house, though my eye is almost healed, I still look like a freak..

I don't trust myself to sleep. If I sleep, I will dream. And that will make me feel worse. I can't go wash my hair either, at least not shower. I don't want .. to be reminded. 

Love sucks ass. 

I..should just stay here until I die of fucking heartbreak. Is that an actual cause of death? It feels like it. Fuck. Just..fuck. 

Holy shit. He's back. I'll write later, this is more important.

M

False alarm. It was the mail man. hehe, not the "Mail" man but..never mind. The point is I'm utterly disappointed. Just bills. Oh, and a porno magazine for Matt. I don't see how he can read those ..holy shit..just a second. 

YES! MATT'S GAY!! The magazine's a play girl! It's got hot..wow..really hot guys inside and ..HA! Gay porno magazines! THANK GOD!

wait. I'm jumping to conclusions. It could have been that chick just subscribing to it with our address. Or maybe he ordered the wrong thing. Or something. It's obvious from his reaction to me that he's not. Yes, this is a mistake, or Matt is one hell of a hypocrite. I..guess I won't know. He..he' never going to come ba

He's home. I'm looking at his car, he just pulled up. Bye for real this time.. thank you. 

M


	9. Day Six Seme and Uke

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I do not own Mario, or Mario boxers. I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU.. it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. If this does well, I'll write a companion piece from Matt's point of view. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary.

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Fecking "Diary"

Later in day six

Dear Fucking "Diary"

holy hell. just..shit. fuck. damn. I'm..stupid. HOW did I not know?

Matt came home. I was meaning to punch him right in the face when he came in the door. but..he knocked. so I had to open it. And..he..had..flowers. Tiger lilies. And one of those heart shaped boxes of chocolate. And he was staring at the ground. And looked really sad. Like he was kicking himself. 

So he was standing out there, wet (when did it start to rain?) cold, miserable and romantic, while I'm standing inside holding a gay porno magazine accusingly. 

_um..wha-?_

I didn't finish my sentance. Matt kissed me. He tasted like smoke, for a moment after the shock I wanted to pull away, I'm not too good when it comes to flames. But..he tasted safe, warm, like a chimney fire, not an act of arson. Then his tongue..My first kiss.. was French. I'm that pro. Apparently it wasn't that bad, if slightly slobbery. Matt smiled and told me I tasted like chocolate, pressing the flowers into my hands. I then stared at them, dropping the magazine. Matt's jaw dropped when he saw it, and..redundantly, I asked, as if I hadn't just lip locked with my best friend and he wasn't giving my flowers and chocolates after standing in the rain...

_you're gay?_

I should be crowned captain obvious. Matt didn't really answer, he just suddenly got this scared look in his eyes.

_y...you aren't? _

Of course I was, that asshole. So **I** kissed _him._ I think he got the answer he was looking for. And then he pushed it a bit. I am ninety nine point eight percent I'm sure I'm in love with him but... _no one_ puts their hands on my ass. That's my leather bound butt, thank you very much. But I really couldn't complain, the flowers getting caught between us as Matt pulled me closer and my arms went around his waist. We finally broke off the kiss and I found a tall enough glass to put the flowers in, my cheeks a bright red, as Matt...where the hell did Matt go during that? Anyways...we met in the living room awkwardly. Matt was smoking his cigarettes quickly, nervously, turning his game boy on and off repeatedly. I started eating the chocolates he got for me. 

Then I put one to his mouth. And he ate it. So hot. hehehe I don't usually share. I don't usually play well with others... then again, I don't usually make out with my roommate. My Guy, not so straight roommate. 

Anyways...next thing I know we're making out, hardcore on the couch, facing each other in the middle. And then Matt starts leaning forwards. Um. No. So I push back, making out teeth clink together jarringly. I start kissing along his jaw and muttered my sorries breathlessly. Then he did it again. 

_Goddamnit Matt I'm not a girl!_

I might be kind of ignorant about making out and sex and everything, but I'm not **stupid**. I **know** that stereotypically the guy is on top when making out and has control over the situation yada yada yada. When he blinked at me in confusion I pushed his hands away, peeved. 

"_I respect you, Matt, but I respect myself, too. **I'm a GUY.** "_

heh way to go me for using his own lines against him. I will not be pinned. Matt quirked an eyebrow at me, saying something I didn't erally understand, not that I'll admit it to him.

_So you're "sem" _(not sure how to spell these words, diary) _not "yuke"_

And then proceded to let_ me _push _him_ down into a kiss. So we made out hardcore with me on top of him. And after a while I got bored and let him be on top, just to see what it was like...and then we fell asleep. 

So technically we slept together, though "technically" we've done that since forever. Though those times I didn't feel so damn...happy, in his arms. He's still asleep...He's so adorable...so cute... ... "dashing" comes to mind...Angelic, too. with a red halo of hair...I think...tonight will be...interesting. 

As you know, I'm...goddamn I hate to say it... _virgin_. And I've been content to keep it like that. Because...I'm not a very trusting person. I...have some issues with that, I'll admit it. I...I really think...that I trust Matt to walk me through it. I...really have no idea...well...I mean, I know what goes where and that it's supposed to be enjoyable, obviously I'm not mentally retarded or anything... but...I'm...goddamnit you know what I mean. Anyways, I think Matt's "experimented" which...I guess it's good. I mean... I don't like the idea, but... it's practical. So when he wakes up I guess we'll have a ta

He's doing it again. My name...Fuck I want to hear that when he's awake. goddamn leather pants...I'm changing into sweats. but no...I can't. Leather is sexy..if uncomfy...SHUT UP MATT! but don't. Please don't...yes! he said it again...frig I...need to take a shower. Talk to you tomorrow...Mello might be getting lucky tonight. gods I'm nervo

He did it again! 

Shower. Now. Writing, later. 

Bye,

M 


	10. Day Seven Laid

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU... it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. If this does well, I'll write a companion piece from Matt's point of view. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary. Thank you for the reviews

* * *

Fecking "Diary"

Dear Fucking "diary",

Day seven. A major difference in the me I was last week and the me that's writing in this fucktarded thing right now. I, Miha

I, Mello, Got laid. 

M.

P.S. hahaha you want details...I'll tell you later, I promise...But Matt's back, now, I'm gonna be busy.


	11. Day Seven Blow Job

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU... it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. If this does well, I'll write a companion piece from Matt's point of view. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary. Thank you for the reviews

* * *

Fecking "Diary"

Later in day seven

Dear Fucking "diary",

Sex is fun, no wonder people do it. Well..it wasn't fun at first...but... I'm getting ahead of myself.

I got out of the very long, steamy (in more than one way) shower, a towel wrapped loosely around my lithe hips. I could hear from the electronic noises that Matt was in our room, (we each have a bed on one side of the room, which is why the chick being over thing bugged me so much, I guess I never really said that) playing game boy. Anyways, I went and got dressed. And Matt stared. And I shrugged it off and told him we need to talk.

He gave me that scared look, again. I rolled my eyes, the left one lagging for a second. Ouch.

_I'm still gay Matt, don't give me that look._

So he grinned, and started playing again. We still needed to talk, dammit! I'm not good with repeating myself. Matt's game boy...accidentally got ... shot. Oh well I'll get him another. It got his attention, that's what I needed. I don't think I made much sense at first. I think it sounded like...

_Iknowyoudreamaboutmehavingsexwithyouanditturnsmeon.Letsmakethisdreamareality.Iwanttofuckyou. grah_!(1)

He did get the picture though, probably more from my blushing and sudden interest in a small smudge on the window then my words. So we talked. Yes, Matt has experimented, but he was always safe, and on occasion got tests done and stuff and he's clean. He was surprised that I was a virgin. Apparently he thought Linder and I...heh. nope.

So anyways, with much blushing and stuttering we both consented that I'd be "Uke" and he'd be "Seme" meaning I'd be the chick in the equation, for our first round, so that I'd know how it's done. As much as I didn't like the idea at first, I am brilliant, and used my fucking brains after a while. It makes sense. And then Matt wanted to suggest a time and place. No! it's my first time I want it to be spontaneous, Goddamnit! But in my bed. Sometime within the next twenty four hours. I'm not picky, really.

So anyways, Matt and I were officially a couple. Meaning no more stray whores for him and...well... nothing really changes for me. Matt's just legit for being my bitch now. So we went on with our day, me eating chocolate, researching stuff on the web and knowing who Kira is without being able to do a damn thing about it, and Matt playing video games. We talked, of course, and made out a bunch but... I don't really want to have to wrote all of that stuff down. Matt told me that at some point he would gently, lovingly, and with care, relieve me of that pesky virginity I'd been holding onto for far too long...and so I believed him and, again, we went on with our day.

So nighttime rolled around. And for once I went to bed, I didn't just stare at the computer or TV. And I kinda changed into PJ's. Out of my leather, at least. into some sweatpants and an over sized tee-shirt. It was comfy. So I'm sitting there flipping casually through Matt's porno, curious, and flipping pages in "Origin of Species" by Darwin (I always read books two or three at a time, and it wasn't like the porn took up much brain power). So I'm lying on my stomach, reading, and he comes up and starts rubbing my back. Which was nice. And then he started rubbing my fucking ass. I stiffened in more than one way. Not comfy with people touching my ass. That MY ass. Not his. MINE. I say again, I'm not good at sharing. And he asked me to relax. So I did. So I got a back/butt massage. Which was rather nice. So I was almost falling asleep, possibly drowning in my own drool.

So I was like half asleep, with a warm fuzzy feeling in my stomach and tingling in my fingertips, despite the mild, mild discomfort of the bone I was lying on. That was just kind of awkward, same as not knowing when he bypassed my clothes in the massage, but knowing it felt damn good. So, I was half asleep when I felt him grab my hips and pull me so I was on my knees and then..he pressed himself really close against me, I could feel that he was ... y'know, hard. So I freaked out a little bit. I...got kind of confused... I..don't know what I was thinking, but I do remember saying just a bit too loud

_No Matt, not like this._

I rolled over, not caring how obvious my erection was...I kind of...really thought he was ...trying to take me. Like that...when I was half asleep...it seems that my panic attack freaked him out too...and he explained "grinding" or "dry humping" to me...I'm so fucking ignorant. Once explained, and me being on my back, it was pretty damn nice, shiver-inducing, in fact, to rub against him, his hardness, with my own...I let him know that when we finally -did- get to everything, I wanted us to be face to face.

So we did some fun, playful, bed stuff. I like Hickeys. Matt is MINE. The mark on his neck says so. >:D

So anyways, eventually Matt undid the drawstring to my sweats...I felt kind of...exposed. Vulnerable. But not embarrassed. I wasn't the one wearing Zelda boxers, with Link on my fucking ass, like Matt... so he suddenly kissed me, hard, (I liked it) and then dipped his head down and ... God DAMN his tongue is good at more than kissing. (I loved it). I I'm all shocked and making weird noises from my throat and having my eyes roll back as he starts... oh boy I don't even know what he was -doing- but it felt great... So Matt presses his fingers against my lips and, automatically I start kissing, nibbling, and suckling on them...And then he hummed and I oh boy...he's **good**, no _**great**_ at ...I guess it was a blow job...point being, it felt fucking amazing...and it wasn't even over yet! So he took his fingers away, and I don't even know if I noticed that, but I -did- notice when he started...rubbing them against me..and then...putting them in me...not pleasant. Kinda..painful, to tell the truth. But..well, Matt was swallowing me, which was a very good distraction, and his other hand was reaching up and caressing my face, my scared cheek...I don't take kindly to people putting their fingers up my fucking ass, even if I know it's necessary... so I bit his thumb...and remembered that Matt had used the word "Masochist" earlier. So he moaned..which, considering where his mouth was and what it was doing, me me moan, which..for some God forsaken reason, spurred on those wet, scissoring, probing fingers from fucking hell.

And then he changed tactics with his mouth, starting to just gently suck on the very tip..felt fucking amazing still and then...around my fucking member he gave me this little grin...and moved his fingers and **hit** something inside. And...just... fuck. I literally saw fucking stars as I filled Matt's mouth and passed the fuck out. Yes. I Mi

I, Mello, passed the hell out the first time someone else made me orgasm.

When I woke u

Gotta go. Matt's back. More condoms yay! Tell the rest later.

heh, I'm "busy"

M

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(1)translation: I know you dream about me having sex with you and it turns me on. Lets make this dream a reality. I want to fuck you.

sorry that took so long...Mello and I have been busy.


	12. Day Eight Waffles

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I do not own Mario, or Mario boxers. I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU... it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. If this does well, I'll write a companion piece from Matt's point of view. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary.

**please read. The following is the aforementioned "lemon" or sex scene. Please skip if such things will disturb you, while I tried to keep it as clean as I could without losing relevance. Thank you.**

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Fecking "Diary"

Dear Fucking "diary"

Where the hell was I? oh yes, the humiliation of passing out from a goddamn BJ. When I awoke I was nose to nose with Matt, his un-goggled eyes inches from mine. He had me in his arms, I think he was about to carry me or something...he had some...y'know..-stuff- trailing from the corner of his mouth...so I licked it off. He grinned. T'was hot. I was in his freaking arms...I was at one hundred percent. I knew, I know that I love him. I mean; seriously, I passed out in front of him with my pants half off and he didn't do anything, didn't even steal a kiss. I trust him. So I was ready. I **wanted** him. So I tod him, in my own, mobster bad ass way.

_"I love you. Now Fuck me...please."_

I do not say "please" often, even to Matt. So he knew I was serious as he helped me out of my tee shirt (I was kinda shaky...) and shed his boxers, my pants ending up in a corner. I'll admit, I kind of expected him to just do it. A "wham-bam- thank you mello" kind of deal. But no, I was wrong, again. He -cuddled- me. He -kissed- me, he rolled on a condom (I payed strict attention to that, so I would know how to put one on myself, later) and slowly, while biting and suckling at my neck and chest, a hand around my already hard again member, he started to get in.

**_HURT LIKE FUCKING BITCHING HELL OF SATAN._**

at first.

Then he brushed that spot. And it was okay. Ish. At least the condom was pre lubed, I mean...without that, I seriously think I would have cried. As it was I almost broke the skin on my lip by biting it. Matt however, kind of had his eyes closed at first, this look of pure... something? on his face.

_"Goddamnit Mihael you're so fucking tight" _

No Shit Sherlock. I'm a fucking VIRGIN. And I'm kind of "Petite" for a guy. I was trying to just let him have his fun, knowing I would have mine later but...I whimpered. And he heard it. And then that... bliss face got clouded by guilt and he started pulling out. He brushed that spot again. Whimper turned into moan really damn fast. When he was moving it was really fucking great, now that the pain had kind of stopped, since I'd calmed down and was relaxing... the guilt on his face went away when he started jacking me off just as slowly as he was moving. I whimpered again, but it wasn't out of pain.

_"Faster Mail, Fuck! NOW."_

He shook his head and mumbled something about how that would hurt me. Fucking...smart...experienced Mail! I mean, I -know- he's right but at the time, I was so sexually frustrated I was going to...well, I did what I did.

I bit him. Hard, in the shoulder. Being so turned on by pain, he went faster. Mission accomplished. He was going faster, but still not fast enough.

_"M-Mail! Goddamnit! FUCK! Fuuuuck! (insert noise of pain, frustration, and longing here)"_

And then he stopped.

I considered grabbing the gun from under my bed and shooting him, but I knew in the long run it wouldn't help.

_"Calm down and relax. Actually -enjoy it-, stop screaming at me! I **know** what I'm doing!" _

Matt won. I relaxed. He fucked me senseless. At his own (fucking slow) pace. I could actually -feel- the blood flowing inside of him, I felt so fucking close to him...slowly the ante got sped up, and I -really- started to enjoy it, moaning his name into his neck. At this point he had an arm around me, my head resting on his forearm while he propped himself up with his elbow, his other hand down at my member while he thrust in and out with a now almost wild abandon, his hand driving me insane with it's fucking teasing. I was starting to feel the feeling I'd come to recognize in the shower.

_"Oh God...M-Mail...I'm..."_

I couldn't even say it, but he knew. As I ... er... arrived, all over his and mine chests, I felt the pulsate inside me (really fucking neat) and then a slight warmth as the condom served it's use. He kind of collapsed, our ... covered chests slick with sweat and..me. We just lay there and breathed for a little while. We didn't say anything, it would ruin everything. Eventually the heat faded, my ass started to throb, and the weight of Matt on my torso was a bit more than I could bear. And then my stomach rumbled.

_"waffles."_

Matt looked at me funny. I changed my way of thinking.

_"I love you and will never leave you. Now get the hell off me I need waffles." _

So Matt shifted, I got out from under him, got us both robes, and stalked ..well... stalked with a slight limp, to the kitchen, popping Eggo's into the toaster.

And that, my paper friend...is how I lost my virginity. I don't need to mention that Matt and I let the first two waffles burn because he was kissing me, in the middle of the kitchen, or that we washed each other off rather then do it ourselves... I do need to mention that Matt is gross, eating hot dogs using a waffle as a bun but...yeah... since then we've been screwing each other like goddamn sterilized gay rabbits. I'll tell you about the first time I was on top in a bit. Matts showing me how to do something today. It involves chocolate flavor condoms. Yay, Chocolate.

Fuck you Diary, and have a nice day.

M.

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	13. author's note

Hey guys, this is the author. Really sorry to mess up the flow, but I have to ask...do you -want- another chapter to this? I can write more if you want, but it seems that a few people think this was the end, and if you -want- it to be the end, then that's cool too. I -have- posted the start of "Betchin' Blog" for those who want it... anyways, review or PM me.


	14. Day Nine Love and Loss

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU... it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. If this does well, I'll write a companion piece from Matt's point of view. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary. Thank you for the reviews, once this is done, the companion "Betchin' Blog" or something of the sort shall certainly commence.

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Fecking "Diary"

Day Nine

Dear Fucking "diary",

The makers of chocolate flavored condoms have left a lot to be desired. Far too slimy. I'd much rather just cover Matt in chocolate sauce and deal with the less than yummy result. I feel so close to him these days. Closer than the innocent snuggling we did as kids at Wammy's, closer even then right after the Takada incident a few months back... Matt didn't let me out of his sight for a while...it had been too close. I'm having a bit of a bad day. I keep thinking about how many times I've almost lost Matt and... Stuff. I know that we're together now so yeah everything is fine but...

Diary... There is something I want to tell you.

Remember how a few pages back I said that my parents just dropped me off when I was a baby and I don't remember anything?

**I lied.**

I'm sorry. I want to talk about it now. or write. or whatever. I feel...miserable and afraid. I...think it might have to do with Matt...I haven't..I haven't felt this close with anyone since my family. I am afraid of losing it. I don't think I can go through that kind of thing again. I love him. Love is unstable... and so am I... the two cannot be stable together for long, I'm sure... I love Matt, I really do. I feel so -close- with him, and I don't mean sex. I mean -obviously- we are physically close during the act and all, and it's a big part of our relationship and all but...

I digress.

My parents did not drop me off when I was a baby. They were murdered. In front of me.

Here's the story.

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TBC. I know you hate me. but it has to be a separate chapter all on it's own. will be updated ASAP. Rating is going up people. Sorry.


	15. Day Nine Story

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU... it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary.

**Mature content. Murder and Dark Suggestions. Read at own Risk. NOT A SONGFIC. **

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Fecking "Diary"

_I was four. _

_My favorite color was red, my hair was short and my brilliance was not yet readily apparent. I was smart, but I was normal. I had both parents and this hurts to bad a little brother. _

_He was -really- little. A baby._

This hurts, but I need to get it **out**.

_It was dark. Such things always happen when it's dark My mother shook me awake, Gavin, my baby brother, smothered to her chest.She dragged me to her room and shoved me under the bed. She kissed my forehead, told me she loved me, and pressed the crusifix she always wore into my hands, telling me to be a good boy and be quiet. _

I never told I her I love her back.

_I hugged my knees to my chest, lying on my side in the small space under the bed. I could hear crashing downstairs, daddy was making a lot of noise. I saw my mothers feet come abck into the room, but thy were stumbling, she was fighting with someone wearing heavy boots. Gavin was screaming and so was my mother. I didn't make a sound. _

I remember it too well.

_A strangled whimper cut off my mother's never before heard cursing, there was a sickening snap and...Gavin stopped crying. I felt a sick dull numbness fill me, flinching as the man in the boots threw my baby brother's broken body aside, it almost sliding under the bed. His milky green eyes were staring at me. I bit my fist to keep from crying.I forced my gaze away from my brother, letting the numbness dull my initial panic.My mothers feet showed she was fighting agin, but the man in the boots was strong. I barely flinched as suddenly there was weight on the bed, constricting my hiding place. My mother had been thrown on the bed, and I saw as the bad man slipped off his boots before joining her there. I heard what I thought at the time was more fighting. I was too young to understand what was happening to my mother. I heard it though. And taht was scary enough. I was so stupid, so weak._

_My dad burst through the door, his one slipper off. He was limping, I could see the hilt of one of the bread knives from the kitchen sticking out of his leg, just above the knee. He came real close to the bedI felt a glimmer of hope, knowing he was going to stop the bad man from hurting mommy. But then there was gurgle, and when he fell, blood was spraying from a cut in his neck, some of it getting on my fire engine PJs. He was staring at me too now.  
_

_Mommy eventually stopped screaming, and I saw more red come over the side of the bed, her hand flopping with a dark deep line across it's wrist._ _The bed kept shaking as if they were still fighting for a while, but soon it stopped. there was an eerie silence as the bad man slipped on his boots again and left. _

_Sixty three hours, fourteen minutes and roughly twenty seven seconds later I was still there, my father's blood long dried on my fire engine PJ's and keeping my mouth closed. My mother's rosary was around my neck. It hasn't left it's spot since._

A few months and an IQ test later I was at Wammy's.

I...I have to go.

I'll write again soon.

Mihael Kheel.

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please read and review.


	16. Day Nine Speed

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU... it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary.

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Fecking "Diary"

Day Nine

Fuck I love Matt. Soooo fucking much. But damned if he doesn't talk to much. I mean, in truth, he's the tall shady, quiet type, too afraid to open his mouth lest the cigarette falls out. But...when he came home and I -happened- to be sobbing into a pillow, he -had- to ask. Goddamn Matt. Fuck. FUCK.

Can't a guy sob into his own pillow in peace? Without being harassed by his really concerned, almost in tears lover? Ass. Of course I don't want to talk about it. And **no** it's **not** him. God above, I honestly don't know why he cares so much.

I'm weak, I'm broken, I'm ugly, and I'm second best at everything, _and_ I suck at video games. Fuck him. Fuck the Goddamn mother fucking -world-.

Why is he with me? why does he love me? I'm not complaining, but why? What do we have in common? what can he possibly find even remotely tolerable about me?!

And yet him being there made me feel better, his presence allowed me to sleep, drift into a nightmare where I saw it all happen again...When I woke from my nap, Matt was staring at me, blue eyes intense, his yellow tinted goggle resting on his forehead...

_"Who's Gavin?" _

I slammed the door on my way out, grabbing my helmet halfway there. I was on my bike and out of the driveway before Matt could even realize I was gone, I'm sure. So here I am, scribbling into a note book while sitting on a park bench, growling at the people who stop and stare at a leather clad girly boy with a messed up face, and glaring at the teens who try to touch the bike that's leaning to the bench I'm sitting on. I really wish I hadn't had to run but I can't answer him right now. It fucking -HURTs-. I love him and know he doesn't want to hurt me, I know hat one day I'll tell him and he'll understand. Fuck...it isn't his fault...he doesn't know that it all happened fourteen years ago -today-. Anniversaries are hard.

I...I should just go home, explain that I can't explain right now. Maybe next week, next month, next year. I just...can't. I'm sure he'll give me the time I need to rebury this pain, maybe he'll even help me. It's odd... I always Yell at Matt for speeding... and yet I know exactly why he does it. Today, yesterday...almost any time I have to go anywhere when I'm feeling...-anything- really, I wnt to go fast, leave my thought and feelings behind me in the wind. I can actually go faster than my thoughts, can't let them catch up..it's..peaceful... anywho... I need my Matt. My real, flesh and blood Matt...

...I just feel..so...numb. I want him to make me feel again...but can't let him know why...I make no sense...

I'll talk ta ya soon

time ta speed home...

Mello.

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please read and review.


	17. author's note two

AUTHORS NOTE.

Okay, I'm going to put this on hold until I get Matt's blog caught up.  
Please don't yell, it won't take long, I promise. I swear soon they'll both be being updated at the same time, within seconds of each other, talking about the same subject matter. Then youcan choose which POV you want to see things from first, or maybe go back and forth, ne?

sorry.

Songfic Misstress.


	18. Day Unkown: Fuck

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU... it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary.

* * *

Fecking "Diary"

Day ... nine? ten? fuck.

Dear Fucked up fucking asshole diary.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

I'm in a goddamn mother fucking hospital. WHERE IS MY MATT?!

calm down Mel. Calm down. Matt would want me to be calm. okay. think. I'm in a hospital. I'm in pain as if.

Shit. It was all a...

no, not a dream, or else all of the other pages wouldn't be written. I feel like I did after the fire. One entire side of my face, my shoulder... it -hurts-

okay...according to my last entry, I was speeding home.

I remember that. Fuck.

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck. I got hit.

I closed my eyes for a minute, reveling in the feeling of the win whipping past my face, my hair being free the fact I was going home to Matt. And then I felt imapct, saw a driver, bumped a windshield...seeing the road and then...seing it close but not feeling and then black.

SHIT!!

road rash. asphalt. FUCK. My face is SCREWED even WORSE. I have ROAD RASH over my BURN!! this was beside me, and so was my crucifix, when I woke up. I'm wearing it again, already. Fuck I can't believe it came off... it must have been at the crash site when an ambulance showed up, I doubt they'd purposely remove it... If someone read the diary though , I'm -screwed-.

But to hell with that, I don't care.

Where's Matt.

Fuck, the bike...did it go through the windshield? I think...fuck I don't KNOW.

Shit. No no no no no no no no no no.

I've killed him.

M

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please read and review.


	19. Day Unknown: Mercy

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU... it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary.

* * *

Fecking "Diary"

Day ... the worst of my life.

Dear Diary

I've killed him.

I can't move my jaw, I think it's broken. I need to scream. I couldn't have... I'm damned. I've killed so many people, most of them onpurpose, they were in the way. I -watched- as Takada went nuts and started burning the sheet she had around herself for decency. I wrote in the note. I blew up a building filled with less than innocent people. I've screwed myself over. I know it. I mean, there's all of that, and then of course, there's Matt. I don't think homosexuality is one of the seven deadlies... but it's still up there.

I -know- I'm supposed to go to hell.

But I doubt Matt is going to be there. So screw that. I can't go to Hell, despite how many times people have told me to go there. I'll change...just to see him again. I just hope true love is a virtue enough...

_Hail Mary,  
Full of Grace,  
The Lord is with thee.  
Blessed art though among woman,  
And blessed is the fruit  
of thy womb, Jesus._

_Holy Mary,  
Mother of God  
Pray for us sinners now,  
and at the hour of death._

_Amen._

I haven't prayed in years.

I've said "Oh God" in bed a lot recently, but that really isn't the same thing.

I've killed him... No. nononononono. Don't think of that...

_O my Jesus, forgive us our sins, save us from the_ **fire**  
_of hell, lead all souls to heaven, especially those who  
are in most need of Thy mercy._

_Hail, holy Queen, mother of mercy, our life, our  
sweetness, and our hope. To thee do we cry, poor  
banished children of Eve. To thee do we send up our  
sighs mourning and weeping in this valley of tears.  
Turn then, most gracious advocate, thine eyes of  
mercy toward us, and after this our exile show us the  
blessed fruit of thy womb, Jesus. O clement, O loving,  
O sweet Virgin Mary._

_Pray for us, O Holy Mother of God._

Right now, I could ki

Right now I really need a bit of mercy. Not Pity, not Charity. Mercy.

**_Iesu, Rex admirabilis  
Et triumphator nobilis,  
Dulcedo ineffabilis,  
Totus desiderabilis._**

I can't really remember what that one means, it's Latin... It praises Jesus though...

_Our Father, Who art in heaven,  
Hallowed be Thy Name.  
Thy Kingdom come.  
Thy Will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread.  
And_ **forgive us our trespasses**  
_as we forgive those who trespass against us.  
And lead us not into temptation,  
but deliver us from evil. Amen._

I'm starting to wonder. Where are the nurses? Where is everyone? It can't be my own introversion... I can hear stuff beyond the door of my room, wheels squeeking, and stuff, and this -is- a hospital, I can -tell-...

Is that someone coming? ... I..don't now. Gonna play dead to be on the safe side though.

M

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please read and review.


	20. Day Unknown: Life

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU... it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary.

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Fecking "Diary"

Day ... STILL the worst of my life.

Dear Diary

Playing dead didn't really work half as well as I originally anticipated. All it got me was a rough prod in the shoulder and a gruff but slightly familiar voice telling me to wake up. I rised cracking one of my eyes open slightly.

If my mouth hadn't been wired shut, my jaw would have dropped. It was Roger, the tyranical caretaker from the orphanage. Horrible yet slightly funny memories of this man who honestly thought he could control me flooded my senses, drowning out even my loss for Ma

Okay, that's a lie. I -WISH- they had over ridden my senses to the point I forgot about being a bloody murderer. Anywho.

"WT-" doesn't sound right when you can't move your tongue. But Roger got the general idea and half heartedly raised his cane, like in the old days as a threat for my cussing. But he didn't smack me, he sat. And stared. Until I growled and looked away.

Then he laughed. So I looked back so I could glare.

_You haven't changed a bit, Mello. Same luck, too. Real good luck that saved you today._

I was livid. I stared evenly at the old coot even as I held back tears. I had just **killed** Matt. My face was doubly screwed. And I was being lectured by some geezer who may or may not in truth be a sadistic, pedophile/pervert. (Why else would he have all those kids running around?)I tore a page out of the back of my notebook and scribbled a rough

_How in **HECK** am I "LUCKY"?!_

He laughed again. I was really starting to hate that sound.

_Trust you to get picked up by one of the -THREE- covert ambulances for the ONLY Kira resistant hospital in the State. We don't use names here Mello. Anywhere else, what with that burn you...uh...kind of have, and well...it's -obvious- who you are. You would have had a heart attack by the end of the week._

Well that made sense.

I wanted to ask then if Matt had made it to the ambulance with me. Or if he had gone straight to the morgue...dammit..._Forgive me father, for I have sinned_. Don't make Matt pay for it... I opted for something less painfull, that wasw also niggling at my mind. I put pen to paper again

_And this notebook? It was here when I woke up. What's the deal with that, Roger? Who has read this? Who I need to kill when I get out of here so they don't blab about the info?_

He did that weird freaking smile again. That "I know something you don't know" thing.

_The only one who looked in that notebook was L, and he just flipped through it. Anything that wouldn't be good to fall into the hands of the Kira related police got brought in. I'm assuming it has investigative facts in it? _

I just stared. Oh Crap. L... sh-...sheep. Yes, "Sheep"...dang it's hard not to swear. But apparently God doesn't like it. And I -HAVE- to make it to heaven. You know that. Anyways...L...oh sheep. I'm ... oh sheep... he won't be pleased...the first page freaking disses him... and then...I wrote about -everything- between me and...him. My darling. My love. Dang it I'm getting soft. On the inside. Not Mafia boss material. Oh well, I guess I've given that up with the swearing.

And that was about when Near showed up. He got Roger's attention and completely ignored me, which was fine by me. I've been able to write all this while half listening to his babble at Roger. I think he's here because he's lost his mind. His posture is perfect, he has a bit of dirt on his PJs, which are wrinkled, and there is a sheen of sweat on his forehead. Yup. He's cracked. Too bad it's only a matter of time until I do the same...

Being without Ma

Holy Sheep, Matt's alive.

Bye you stupid waste of trees.

M

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please read and review.


	21. Day Nine: Angel

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU... it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and lemon. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary.

* * *

Fecking "Diary"

Day Nine, STILL

Dear Fucking Diary

I had the scariest moment of my life today. I almost lost him.

Near became coherent enough for a bit that Roger pieced together a few words that flew right over my head, waving his hand dismissivly and saying "she's in the next room over, with Matt."

I don't think I've ever moved so fast on my own two feet. I was out the door before Roger could even ask what I was doing. The idea that it might be a different Matt didn't even occur to me. was in the hall then, trying to figure out which "next room over" he was in. I would have stayed there for while, if I hadn't been listening. Fist I heared the sound of a laptop click shut, to my right. then a definite slam of something plastic hitting a wall. I didn't know what the second sound was until I burst into the room.

The scene too half a second to absorb, and that second seemed so long. Time had stopped along with my heart. Matt's goggles lay on the floor, a slight dent where they had hit the wall. His laptop was on the bed, and he was standing shirtless, facing to my left, red bangs obscuring the eyes that were crying silently, tears running down his cheeks in a steady stream. There was a glint in his right hand, hovering above his left wrist. I wanted to scream, tried, couldn't. That broke the spell on time.

Everything sped up again as I tackled him to the ground, knocking the scalpel out of his hand to the ground, where it skittered under another bed. I saw the smallest of nicks cry a single crimson tear at the side of his wrist. I was so close to being late...So close to having him go...end it.

I didn't even realize I was crying until he started wiping the tears from my cheeks.

I was hugging him, half mauling, on the floor. I refused to let him go, even as -Near- of all people helped us up and got us to Matt's bed. I wanted to yell at him, at both of them, and tried to, and it really hurt. Matt seemed to be in pain too, but didn't complain, just touched my hair and rubbed my back, calling me an "angel" over and over again. -His- angel.

Right now, I don't care if L reads this. I happen to love Matt, and won't be leaving his side anytime soon. Even if it means sharing a hospital bed. Like we are right now. He's fallen asleep, a light grimace ruining his smile. My bike broke six of his ribs. If he weren't wearing so many layers (his shirt, the Kevlar, his vest) it would have been worse...it must have hurt him so bad when I was hugging him...

Halle's in this room too. And Near. Near is in the corner, in his crouched, holding knee, hair twirling position. He is staring at me and Matt, and when he had tried to get close to the bed that Halle's in, she slapped him upside the head. Turns out he's the father of the kid that's taking it's damn sweet time to get out of her, so she isn't too happy. I'm not even going to try and figure out how on earth he managed to bang her. Last I checked he acted so distant. It's weird... I think he's asleep now, which is nice, he's not staring at me and my Matt anymore.

I'm kinda tired as well, and I should nap, but I'm too excited. Because you see, once we were on the bed, Matt said more then just the word "Angel". We're technically engaged now. Yeah, I'm that pro. I'll tell you exactly how later, you see, L just came in, and he and I need to have a little talk...well...I'll be writing.

Bye Book.

M

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	22. Day Ten: Mihael JeevasKeehl

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I do not own Mario, or Mario boxers. I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU.. it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. If this does well, I'll write a companion piece from Matt's point of view. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary.

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Fecking "Diary"

Later in day ten

_Mihael Jeevas..._

_Mihael Jeevas-Keehl. _

_Mihael Keehl-Jeevas..._

_Mail Keehl..._

hmmm...

_"Mihael Jeevas-Keehl" _definitely has the best ring to it. And it doesn't sound bad for my fiance, either... "Mail Jeevas-Keehl"... heh...we're so badass.

Hyphenated is so totally fucking awesome... now we just need to find someone willing to do the paperwork and bind an ex- mafia boss and an assassin in "holy Matrimony"... or at least let us be "life partners" or someshit... we'll worry about that later.

I talked with L... well, I was going too, but first he had to talk to Near...I think he thought I was drugged out of my mind, which I probably was... but that's besides the point.

I won. I got to see Near get scolded...And... I'M NUMBER ONE!

but anyways... L is pretty damn disappointed in Near... he managed to knock up Halle Linder. Heh...I gotta say., he fucked a chick at sixteen, where I lost my virginity at eighteen... he won there... but he forgot to use protection. So yeah. He's also turned into an emo little punk... well, for Near, at least...

Point being. Near is out of the running. And yeah...haha, I almost feel sorry for the albino brat.

And L talked with me, for a long time, and nabbed me this morning for a bit too...going over how he already knew that Matt and I were in a relationship before looking through my notebook (I didn't bother asking, he's just cool like that.) And that it doesn't bother him (which is in his better interests) And so long as we didn't get too distracted from the case it was all good...

What worried him was my first entry, but when I explained it was just me venting frustration, and that I really do want to catch that bastard Kira, it was okay. Then he gave me this story lecture thing about how in ancient Greece they used to have armies full of gay couples, because it worked better. During the fighting, they would want to fight for their lover, and watch their lover's backs, and show off a bit. And if their boyfriend died at the hands of the enemy, you'd have a crazy efficient bloodthirsty fighter out for revenge... so he kinda sees it like that. Whereas with Near...well, Near is all fucked up right now, since oh yeah...he has a daughter now. Born about an hour ago. He's been following me around since then, in shock. He's over in the corner now, staring as I write. I would give him the finger, but he's not worth it.

"Natasha Michelle Rivers"

cute for a baby... Halle's been feeding her and stuff, Hasn't really let Near near the kid. again, kinda feel sorry... mainly for the kid. It's probably goign to end up in an orpha

O.O

Holy shit guys...I need to talk to Matt, NOW...

Near spoke to me for a few minutes... I need to confer with my future husband..

_M_


	23. Author's note three

Guys...please go to my profile and take the poll.

Please.

You'll laugh. And determine the outcome of something special.


	24. Day Eleven: Manly

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I do not own Mario, or Mario boxers. I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU.. it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. If this does well, I'll write a companion piece from Matt's point of view. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary.

POLLS ARE CLOSED

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Fecking "Diary"

Dear Fucking Diary,

He said yes. Wow.

Just...wow. I mean... not yet, I mean... fuck, I'm not making any damn fucking sense...

Okay.

Near was following me doing the twirly hair thing, and I was like "fuck off" mentally, right? And then he spoke. And I was like WHOA. 'Cause he asked me if I wanted to adopt Natasha. And I was like ... well... WHOA. And Yeah. So I went to Matt. And I swear my eyes must have been like ... O.O And yeah. I asked him if he was going to be okay with being a dad.

He got all shocked and asked if I was pregnant... ... ... ... ... ... -.-#

I'm really hoping for his sake it was the pain meds talking. So I explained it all. And he's thrilled. I don't think I've ever seen Matt so... happy about something like this. Seeing him like that... it made me feel... lighter. happier. brighter. warmer. None of these words describe it, they only... help a bit. It made me want him. Very badly.

I thought it would be more difficult to make out while grinning then it actually was. And have you ever realized how spacious broom closets are in hospitals? hehehehe that was -fun-. I think the whole concept of being quiet really added to it... the risk of getting caught... oh Jesus Christ, I'm getting goosebumps just remembering it...

Aw FUCK. Stupid leather... I need to invest in some sweats, really, I do... Or get Matt a pager. Heh..."the booty call pager"... damn fucking straight that would be epic... . I'd make him keep it on vibrate in his boxers... hehehehe. I am such a genius...

On another note, we're still looking for the legal people to do the papers and shit, but our wedding should be soon. I... looked through a bridal catalog. Having no breasts really limits my options. Er... not that I'll necessarily wear a dress. I ... just was ... considering. You know, for Matt's sake. Since I can pass for a chick and all... it might be less awkward for him if it looks like a normal wedding. or whatever.

OKAY I'M CURIOUS. BACK OFF. SO WHAT IF I WANT TO TRY IT! SHUT UP!!

... they all look rather pretty.

Er... in a tough way. I mean, the waists on most of them are freakin' torture devices. If I can survive an evening in one, then damn, I'm a fucking TANK. Yes. that's right. Dressing as a woman is really a test of my manliness. Refute it and DIE.

Anyways, Matt is back from getting poked prodded and x-rayed, so I gotta go...

_M_


	25. Day Twelve: Closet

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I do not own Mario, or Mario boxers. I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU.. it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. If this does well, I'll write a companion piece from Matt's point of view. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary.

* * *

Fecking "Diary"

Dear fucking diary,

I was reading over my past few entries and realize I didn't mention something. I don't have my mouth wired shut anymore. They thought it was broken, but yeah, it was only dislocated. So they had to take it off. And pop my jaw back into place. Hurt like a fucking bitch, let me tell you... almost as much as my heart aches right now. I've been crying far too much lately.

But Matt had to do it again. He just -had- to bring up what got us into the hospital in the first fucking place. Had to bring it up, had to make me run away., again. Why can't he just fucking -drop- the subject?!Where does he get off asking about Gavin?! My beautiful baby brother that I couldn't fucking save because I'm too Goddamn weak. I heard his neck snap, watched his body stiffen. I saw flies land on his open, unseeing, vibrant yet dull green eyes. Glassy eyes. Those eyes still look at me some nights when I sleep.

Ever since Gavin was born, I was told the same fucking things. To be careful with him, watch out for him, take care of him, watch over him. He wasn't a year old when I hadn't been able to keep the promises intended for the future, to protect the baby of the family. I failed to keep him from being broken. I failed at keepig him safe. I let him die. It's my fault. I could have distracted the bad man. I could have grabbed him at the ankles. I could have done a thousand things. But I didn't. I am a coward, and it hurts more than my face ever will. I just wish I could have told him and my mom and dad I lo

FUCK OFF MAIL!

He's banging at the goddamn closet door rambling and there is no fucking way I'm coming out now. I'm in the closet that Matt and I banged in a few days ago, since it's somewhat secluded and there's a light and if he doesn't stop banging on the door I'm going to get angrier. Fuck this.. Screw Matt. Nothing he can say can make me leave this special place. If he thinks he can get me to move, he has another thing co

Holy fuck. I'll write later. Matt managed to bring me out of the closet again. ha...ha... shit.

M


	26. Day thirteen: Family and Fetishes

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I do not own Mario, or Mario boxers. I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU.. it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. If this does well, I'll write a companion piece from Matt's point of view. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary.

* * *

Fecking "Diary"

Dear fucking diary;

Matt has a family. Which is great. They will be showing up whenever. Which isn't so great. Because at the moment, I'm in a dress. Linda is doing the final fitting thing. And putting more damn ruffles on it. Anyways. Matt isn't allowed to see the dress, so I get to write while wearing it. Hehehe...So anyways, the Gavin issue is swept under the carpet for now. His family...wow. Okay..from what I've pieced together. he got dropped off at an orphanage in a basket. All old fashioned abandonment style. He had the goggles and a birth certificate and stuff with him. When he was like five or so, He got transferred to Wammy's because he was so good at video games. Like...hard ones. And He'd hacked the security system once and made the sprinklers go off. So yeah. He transferred, became third in line for L, and became my bitch. Turns out his folks just kinda ditched. But they want to talk with him now and everything. Makes no fucking sense, but oh well.

Ouch. Linda just poked me with a sewing needle. She's a chick from wammy's she had a huge crush that alternated between the three of us. She's nice. A nurse here now. And she's making my dress, since I don't have a bust to speak of so none of the mail order ones would fit. If I were a girl, I'd be made fun of... especially like, before I screwed Matt. "Flat as a board and never been nailed"... the carpenter's dream. -.-;

I digress. Matt's family. Oh damn. I hope they like me. And...well... us. If they don't...I hope Matt makes the choice that makes him happiest. Even if it means leav-

Screw that. I'm going to be selfish here. They had better not take him away from me. Fuck that. He's MINE.

Oh. And he has a twin... I wonder if the twin is like...identical... maybe all three of us could have some fu

Oh fucking lord I did NOT just mentally picture something mildly incestuous. No. Nononononono what the FUCK is wrong with me!?

I am too fucking stressed lately. I think I might just surprise Matt tonight. I managed to score some handcuffs, and a nice scarf that should make a good gag. I like being on top, even though it should be his turn... oh well, he'll ride me later. I little adventure will get our minds off of all this nonsense...and I'll wear my leather! :D I like my leather. It's fucking sexy. Way sexier than the dress. OH! about the dress. We got rings shipped in today. :) I'm wearing an engagement ring, and I've seen the wedding rings... I'm really happy with them.

I digress. Hot sexings shall most definitely ensue tonight. DAMN! I have to go find lube. and Linda's just about finished.

Haha bye... it's a good thing you arne't a person, or I'd have disturbed you real bad by now.


	27. Day Fourteen: Fucked over

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU.. it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. If this does well, I'll write a companion piece from Matt's point of view. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary.

* * *

Fecking "Diary"

Dear fucking diary;

I'm a goddamn mother fucking screw up. With BAD timing. And no one will listen to me. I'm INNOCENT, DAMN IT! I've got a mother fucking black eye again. Damn, Matt's sister punches as hard as he does. Just... FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!

Okay. I was done with the dress fitting thing. And it was just late enough that I figured Matt and I could do a little romping and not risk getting walked in on. So I got my handcuffs and shit, and went to our room. "Matt" was leaning over the bed, going through random stuff. I did the gag first, then the handcuffs. "He" seemed really shocked. Which I thought was a good thing. I even figured that the pretend struggle was just for dramatic effect. And so I got on hand down "his" pants, and was just going up the shirt when I realized somethign was wrong. Something...ah...vital... was missing. So I was like... wtf. And figured maybe he just wasn't hard yet, maybe this was a bit much. And then my other hand hit boob. and I know Matt isn't about to go get a sex change. So I'm standing there, confused out of my Goddamn mind, when SHE spits out the gag and lets out a blood curdling scream that would make you think I was raping her or something. Which I wasn't I just kinda had my hands in bad places.

And then I hear the door burst open, and THERE is Matt. and I'm like...WTF!? but not saying anything, jaw agape, wondering if they have me on morphine again. Ad then this random guy who turns out to be Matt's, and "Tesa/Jade", Matt's SISTER's, dad, comes in and fucking pushes me away from her (I fall, still in shock) and starts demanding explainations. At this point I've swallowed my tongue. for some reason Matt's dad, "James", has handcuff keys in his pocket and undoes them, giving her full swing to punch me in the fucking face. Meanwhile, Matt keeps alternating between looking at me as if I've torn his heart out and shooting me dirty glares. He starts explainging how I'm his ex boyfriend. That we were engaged. He then took off his ring.

and threw it at me.

... ... ... ... ... ... .. ... . ... ... ...

he didn't even let me speak.

He then started moving his stuff out of our room. I just was there on the floor, in shock. I didn't mean to do any of this, I just... froze. I tried to tell him that this morning and he punched me in the stomach. HARD.

Diary...are we... he and I... over?

I... fuck, no, I can't let that happen... oh Jesus Christ, I'm crying. I hate this. Is it my fault? Why was she in our room in the first place?! I... I'm going to go talk to Near. This probably screws everything up with Natasha now...

Bye...with any luck, I'll get hit by a bus and not write in here again.


	28. Day Fifteen: Near

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU.. it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. If this does well, I'll write a companion piece from Matt's point of view. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary.

* * *

Fecking "Diary"

Dear fucking diary;

Near was no Goddamn help yesterday. He just managed to distract me for a bit and scare the hell out of me. This is how our conversation went.

Mello: Hey, Near, I'm really depressed right now, can I talk? It would be greatly appreciated.

Near: Hmph. If you have to, Mello.. :keeps head down and stacks dice:

Mello: I. okay? ... oh... actually I have some bad news. Matt and I -

Near: Broke up. I'm aware. (He was really smug about it, as if he saw it coming)

Mello: Wha-?! HOW?!

Near: ... I surmised from the yelling last night, coupled with your current black eye and the scene this morning at breakfast where Matthew punched you in the stomach.

Mello: ... oh. You saw that? :( (I swear it happened in what used to be our room)

Near: Mello...everyone saw it. It was at breakfast.

Mello: ... I... knew that.

Near: Of course Mello. :continues to stack: (He had such sarcasm in his voice. He really wasn't helping me feel any better)

Mello: Damn it Near, what's your problem? :knocks over the dice: ah...sorry... ( I didn't mean to. it was an accident)

Near: :begins to re-stack dice: ... Mello, shut the fuck up. I'm not being half as dramatic than you and have a few problems that are if not larger than yours, at least equivalent. If you won't be civil, I'm not going to listen to your shit. Back the hell off and don't touch my mother fucking dice!

Mello: :stunned: Whoa... is... is this about Natasha? I'm sure Matt's family will take her in. They seem to be a proper family... and if they won't, I will take care of her. I made a commitment that involved a child, I'm not about to go back on that. (:D honorable, ain't it?)

Near: ... thank you Mello. That solves a lot. However I have a lot on my plate right now other than that that I would rather not discuss. It's none of your fucking buisness.

Mello:... damn, okay. I just kinda wanna talk, I'm really bored and lonely. :produces and unwraps a bar of chocolate: hey...want some? ( I TRIED to be nice)

Near: ... no. (he rolled his eyes) what do you want to talk about? :opens a bag of dice:

Mello: :munches chocolate: anything other then... yeah.

Near: Hnn. Talk to me about L. (It was a demand)

Mello: :D L..damn. That man's like... yeah... :D He's awesome.

Near: You spent a lot of time with him when you transcribed that one case. Did you find out anything of interest about him? Did ya? Huh? Did Ya? (He was really eager about it)

Mello: Oh, you mean the one with that first Generation Wammy's kid? Yeah, actually... :laughs a bit:

Near: Oh? Do tell... :accidentally knocks over dice tower, doesn't notice at this time:

Mello: ... He may or may not have told me some details about the sexy woman he had help him solve the case. (Niomi? Yes, Niomi Misora. Something like that)

Near: He...used that term? "Sexy"?

Mello: Well... no. But he meant it. He asked specifically that I make it sound like they'd never met when he found out I was going through the files.

Near: ... But they had? Mello, don't leave me hanging here... I need to know this! TEll me! gimme info, Gimme info!!

Mello: Yeah, They'd known each other since before we were born.

Near: God damn... No way. Fuck ... Fuck :bursts out laughing:

Mello: (Damn that kid is weird...) there's more.

Near: Oh? Tell me. Please, let me know. I HAVE to know...

Mello: When I was going through all the random case related shit, I found a really old notebook (I still remember it. One of those old school composite notes)

Near: notebook? You mean... Like...a... Shinigami's?

Mello:No, no get your mind out of the Kira case Near...(wtf. Why would L have had a death note when I was thirteen?)

Near: then what WAS it?!

Mello: A diary/ datebook

Near:... keep going or I'll fucking strangle you. I will cut out your liver and make you eat it. Your eyes will be fried over easy.

Mello: It was -L'S- Diary/datebook (He was really starting to freak me out)

Near: AND!?

Mello: It was from like ages ago, it was kinda hard to read. You would have been like two or three. It doesn't matter. It's L's private life. I don't think you're mature enough for this. ( I wanted to get the fuck out of there. He was scaring me a bit.)

And if I thought that that bit was scary, him suddenly jumping me, yanking my hair and digging his nails into my bad shoulder was fucking terrifying. He was SCREAMING at me to tell him. so I did.

Mello: O.O holy shit, he banged the chick, okay? He had a whole racy memory written out that my fourteen year old self read, okay? I got a boner and never forgot it. End of story!!. Get off you're hurting!!

And he got off of me and I tried to play it cool. I totally could have pushed him off when he was on me. I wasn't actually afraid. Still...

Mello: You have some problems Near, you know that? You should really talk to someone professional.

Near:... you just solved a bunch of them. Thank you. I'm professional enough to deal with my own problems.

That's when I left. As soon as I got out the door, I booted it. His laughter, really fucking deranged laughter, was following me.

So that was most of yesterday. After that I just kept in my room and poured over a book. Matt and his family are having good fun. They are staying away from me, I've decided to make it easier for them and just keep in my room. I'll talk to Mail eventually, we'll get this sorted out. As pissed as I am for him not listening, I still love him. And I'm sure an opor

brb

Opportunity's name is "Near". He just knocked on my door. He's having some kind of karaoke party. I can sing my love and apology and confusion to Mail! :D YES! I got to go search you-tube for a good song...

Bye diary. Maybe one day there will be a snow storm and I'll burn you for warmth! :D


	29. Day Sixteen: Eavesdropping

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU.. it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. If this does well, I'll write a companion piece from Matt's point of view. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary.

* * *

Fecking "Diary"

Dear fucking diary;

I'm a terrible eavesdropper. I don't mean I'm terrible at it, in fact I'm pretty damn stealth.

I was loitering outside of L's office thing, he was going to talk with me later. I heard Mail coming up the hall (he had headphones on blasting "American Idiot" loud enough that I could know he was coming. I wonder if that's the song he's chosen for the party...whatever) so I hid in a broom closet until I heard him go into L's office. I put my ear to the door and started taking notes of what was said. Here is what happened.

L: Matt, please take a seat

Mail: a'right... ... ... ... ... ... Am I in trouble?

L: Hmm? No, not at all. I wanted to forward my congratulations to getting along with you family, and offer some sympathy for what happened between you and Mello.

Mail: I... don't... want to talk about... Mello (his voice was cold and angry. It hurt) But thank you. Is this all?

L: er... not quite. I have a bit of a story to tell you.

Mail:... okay, shoot. But actually, before you start.. can I smoke?

L: I don't mind if you do...

Mail: 'kay thanks...

L: Shall I begin?

Mail: Please do.

L: I suppose it began roughly fifteen years ago, when I lost my virginity...

Mail: (coughs and splutters) WHOA!... uh... I don't think this is the kind of story I need to know...

L: I'm not about to give you details on the issue, Matt... It's just were the story begins...

Mail: ... if you say so...

L: I do.

Mail: Okay then, keep going...

L: her name was Naomi Misora...

Mail: FBI. BB murders. Classy chick, good taste on your part.

L: Ah...thank you, Matt.

Mail: Anyways. Continue...

L: I was fourteen... well... -just- fourteen... right now I'm twenty eight... and at fourteen I had my first brush with what one may consider love...

Mail: Hey wait. Wait... I remember... during the BB case, Mel found a notebook and -

L: I'm aware. Yes, that happened. The sex is not exactly the point.

Mail: 'Kay, what is the point, L?

L: As you should recall from my comments ('comments'? Wtf? hnn...) I am not exactly well versed in the normal relationship.

Mail: ah...alright...

L: I don't need porn, I don't usually have crude thoughts cross my mind... one may say that I still have the neivite from before I met Naomi most of the time. She stirred up thoughts in me...

Mail: Dude. You were fourteen. That's -normal-. It's okay.

L: I'm aware, Matt. As I was saying...those thoughts got dealt with and I was myself again. There were some complications, such as Near, but... that doesn't matter.

Mail: ... Near? he would have been like...two. How is he a complication?

L: that doesn't matter.

Mail:... at least get to your original point, please...

L: Ah yes... other than a few complications, we parted ways, and even when I met her a few times afterward, there was no... emotion there. I haven't felt anything akin to what I felt with her in a very long time. But now I've felt it again...

Mail:... dude. Please don't have a crush on me. O.O

L: What?! NO! I ... -.- I have a thing for your sister.

Mail: (sound of chair falling) what!? WHOA! She's asexual! And... well... you're ten years older!

L: I don't want to procreate, Matt. I've already done that. And she's more than mature enough for me...

Mail: Then why do you want my baby sister? And... WHOA, WHAT!?

L: I don't "want" her... I just... would you mind terribly if we talked a bit and perhaps considered ourselves a couple? She told me to ask you. James is fine with it if you are... And... I'll get to that...

Mail: So you want to screw her brain with the dick of conversation. Because she's smart. And...you'd -better- explain how you supposedly have kids...

L:... I would not use such a crude metaphor, but yes... I suppose you are correct.

Mail: ... I'm fine with it. But touch her in a way she doesn't want to be touched and I swear to...to... (his voice got really low here, I couldn't make it out) that...that... they won't find your body. I respect you but... she's my sister. And my twin no less. you hurt her, you hurt me. And I have a tendency to hurt people back.

L: (shocked silence) I'll keep that in mind.

Mail: Good. Now...uh...you have a kid? Do I get to meet him?

L:You already have.

Mail: Wait... the... "Near" complications... the... WHOA! I did _**NOT**_ see that coming. DUDE! WTF?! Wait... no...he's too old to be your kid...

L: He's fourteen. Everyone was lied to at Wammy's in regards to Near's age.

Mail: Dude. Uncool.

L: I'm aware... but... well...

Mail: so let me get this straight. Near is your kid. And you put him in an effing orphanage for kicks.

L: ... not for kicks, my Father suggested it would be for the best...

Mail: WAIT. You have a DAD!? but...-you- grew up at Wammy's too!

L: ... You've met my father. Watari.

Mail: (I think I heard the sound of his jaw dropping. God knows I'd already managed to bruise my chin with the ground)

L: -what-?

Mail: Dude... that... wait... but... okay. Let me get this straight. Watari is Near's grandpa.

L: Yes. That is correct.

Mail: DUDE! No wonder the geezer gave that brat so many toys! I...uh... that didn't come out right...

L:... ... ... it's fine.

Mail: er...okay. so... uh... is Tesa going to hear about this? That you have a kid?

L: I will inform her at some point.

Mail: a'right... is that all now? I really...I wanna go for a walk. I need to clear my head...

L: Yes, I think that's all... thank you Matt...

Mail: no probs L...

I hid in the closet again when he came out. Then talked with L about not telling everyone about the one time he had sex. hehe... okay. o.o;;

So yeah. I had a good day today, diary. I heard a lot of Matt's voice. And even if he wasn't talking to me... it's something. Right?


	30. Bonus: Composite Notebook

BONUS CHAPTER. An Excerpt from a ratty composite notebook rotting under Wammy's house. In neat printing on the inside cover are the following words: Property of L Lawliet. If this is found, please destroy. Thank you.

* * *

It happened today, journal. the plan that I had going through my head, the dreams... they came true. It was a little scary. I mean, I'm only fourteen... she's fifteen...a whole year means a lot right now, for some reason...

It felt good. No..."good" is too general of a term...it was...well.. I don't usually swear, those kinds of words usually mean a lack of intelligent way to portray what I mean but... it was fucking fantastic... way better than cold water in the showers. I just hope father doesn't ask any questions as to my suddenly euphoric mood. He seems distracted with one of the newer orphans anyways, that he's training to take over should something unfortunate happen. A four year old blonde named "Mihael". We've renamed him "Mello"... but I honestly don't care.

Because, journal... I had sex. And it was fucking fantastic. I know I'm reitterating, and my usually essay style has been comprimised, but... I don't care. I feel free. And happy. I think she loves me. Or perhaps she just loves "L"... it doesn't matter. I really really really like her. I like her black hair and her cold eyes and her firm breasts with pert nipples. I like her jutting hips and flat stomach and soft thighs. I like her pretty little feet with short toenails. I like her laugh and her smile and the look she gets on her face when she reaches orgasm. I like her blush and her moan. I like the way she arches her back, and ... I like everything about her.

I told father I was going to the library, that I needed some quiet time to think over the massacres that were happening in the southern states of America. In truth that case is already solved, the murderer has committed suicide by now... but I digress. I went to her house, her parents weren't home... she greeted me in nothing but knee high leather boots with open toe. What a greeting. Darwin Damn...

Ah...journal, it's happening again. That puberty thing that goes away with the cold shower. The kids call them "boners". I know the term is "erection", but that sounds so clinical...It's annoying. Obviously this happened when I saw her, in those boots, as well... I'll ignore it as best as I can for now. She kept the boots on when we did it. And we did it a -lot-. Every room except her parent's bedroom. Some things are just sacred, I guess... so yeah... I didn't know I produced enough sperm to do what I did today. Honestly, so many times... I wonder if it's normal to see little while lights at the point of ejaculation. I certainly hope it is, but don't know who to ask...

I suppose I shall just have to assume it's normal. For me, at least. We did it a lot, I think I've had my fill of sex for a while, at least. In fact, I think I've had enough for life. The experiment is over, and though I like her body, I like her mind more. Though her witty sarcasm can't make me orgasm, it makes my mind tingle. maybe my brain cells are orgasming?

Wait..how illogical... perhaps I need a nap. That was rather tiring, the thrusting and all, when I was on top... She was on top for the first few times, until there was no more blood and it felt really nice for her.

Ah, Father is calling for my notes on the masacre. I'll possibly return later.

Goodbye, Journal... I certainly hope no one reads this. I would be mortified.


	31. Day Seventeen: Music and Missing

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU.. it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. If this does well, I'll write a companion piece from Matt's point of view. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary.

* * *

Fecking "Diary"

Dear fucking diary;

I have my song for tonight. I think that maybe Matty will listen to it and then actually give me a chance during our talk after/during the party... he's agreed to let me speak without punching me, at least... Maybe there's hope. I talked with Tesa today, she told me how her brother won't let anyone talk about me around him, even her... though he did almost break their dad's jaw when he called me...a... a..

The bastard called me a pansy assed fagot.

I'm way to badass to have to put up with shit like that. "Pansy assed"... what does that even mean?! "Flower butted"?! Fuck that...and hello, I'm from fucking Winchester. _**BRITAIN!**_ A "fag" is a cigarette, asshole! SO CHEW ON THAT YOU HOMOPHOBIC PIECE OF...

well wait. He's Matt's dad. I can't bitch him out too bad. I mean...without his little swimmers, Matty wouldn't be here...

And I would be a very different person. I'd probably be dead...

I'd almost definitely be dead.

anyways... here's the note Matty had Tesa give to me... it's so childish, using a messenger...but anyways:

_Mello. _

_It seems you want to talk to me. I suppose after everything, I can be your bitch one more time and humor you. Don't expect much out of this, it isn't like I miss you, or need you. You broke my heart, it isn't capable of loving you, or anyone else right now. You were my princess peach, but that last castle...was a bit too much. I'm not going to say I'm sorry. I don't think I did anything wrong, not really. I mean... maybe if you'd told me you wanted me to have boobs or... no, that's just stupid... or if you wanted a three so_

_I'm rambling. The point is that there were other options. You didn't have to do what you did. What you did broke me, it really did. I'm broken, and it's all your fault. And...anyways. That's not the point. _

_I'll let you talk. After we sing. _

_-Matt_

So that's that, diary... I really...really hope he's lying... that he misses me...because I'm dying without him...

he's better then chocolate.

Which is what made me choose the song I chose...

"Addicted"... I think it's by Simple Plan...

_I heard you're doing okay  
But I want you to know  
I'm a dick  
I'm addicted to you  
I can't pretend I don't care  
When you don't think about me  
Do you think I deserve this?_

_I tried to make you happy but you left anyway_

_I'm trying to forget that  
I'm addicted to you  
But I want it and I need it  
I'm addicted to you  
Now it's over  
Can't forget what you said  
And I never wanna do this again  
Heartbreaker_

_Since the day I met you  
And after all we've been through  
I'm still a dick  
I'm addicted to you_

_  
I think you know that it's true  
I'd run a thousand miles to get you  
Do you think I deserve this?_

_I tried to make you happy  
I did all that I could  
Just to keep you  
But you left anyway_

_How long will I be waiting?  
Until the end of time  
I don't know why I'm still waiting  
I can't make you mine_

_Heartbreaker  
I'm addicted to you_

It's really depressing. I hope he proves me wrong. I want him back so bad...

I've been spending a lot of time with his step mom recently. She thinks that I'd be good for him, and that he's being stubborn. I like her. Her brother is an artist, in France, and he's gay, so she is like, really accepting. I think he's a different kind of gay then me though. I don't do the artsy thing. Anyways she wants us to get back together, Tesa wants us to get back together, and James is trying to make Matt straight.

I really hope the girls can help me win him over if this talk doesn't go well.

I'm really, really sad without him. And showers make me feel guilty (not that I do that in a public f-n shower, I use a sock while sitting on my bed, like a normal person...) as if I'm masteraping him with my imagination... :(

OO

brb

.

.

HOLY SHIT!!

L just walked past my door with a broken fucking nose! Tesa decked him for trying to kiss her!! ATTA GIRL! Don't let no boy force you to do nothin'! Damn though... she hit L! _**-L-! **_

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!! !! !! !! !!

And yet they're still together. Wow. THAT is a lasting relationship... I remember when I broke Matt's nose. It was basically for cheating, even though we weren't going out yet.

HEY! WAIT A MINUTE! How come he was allowed to be a total manwhore, but when I ACCIDENTALLY touch a freaky fucking boob, I get shut out! That's not fucking fair!!

Hmph. I still want him back though. I haven't taken off my ring, and I have Matt's in my pocket. I'm thinking that if things go well, I'm going to propose to him.

I'd better get practicing for tonight...

M.


	32. Day Eighteen: That's enough

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU.. it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. If this does well, I'll write a companion piece from Matt's point of view. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary.

* * *

Fecking "Diary"

Dear fucking diary;

omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg

Last night.

so fucking messed up but I GOT HIM BACK!

HA!

toldja fuckin' so.

Take that, depression and angst!

HA!

So, first Near sang a song that was completely aimed at L, it was very obvious... L seemed really uncomfortable...

And then Rester did "You're a bitch", by Bowling for soup, while outright -glaring- at Linder. I'm not sure if I even want to know the story there. I do know that once while I was living in her bathroom she had him over and they left to go fuck. She didn't tell me, but he was over, they left, she came back smelling like sex. So I guess... oh well, I don't care.

Then L, with medical tape on his nose, and Jade, in her hoodie and jeans, went up and did a violin duet thing. Really, really pretty. Looked rather fucked up though, I gotta admit.

And then I did my song. And I was so nervous. But I did it, and it was clear that I meant it, and I even managed to babble something about chocolate and nicotine, as if he didn't get the picture...

and I really , really thought I got to him.

And then he started singing about how it's too late for me to apologize. And I ducked my head down as Rhia put a sympathetic hand on my back, earning her a weird look from James, and ... I cried. I didn't make any noise, but tears were running down my cheeks. James looked really smug...

and then the song ended... and Matt said how it was for his dad. And I was ... what's a good word... "elated". Omg I was so glad it wasn't for me... I really thought... well... just... wow...

It probably was for me, originally. But my song won him over. Hahaha way to go me.

And then James got up and I ignored him hardcore as Matty and I went to our broom closet...

Oh man...he felt so bad...

and.. he told me stuff.

Like how after I left wammys, and he was alone, he left too, about a month after me...

he told me about losing his anal virginity in a bathroom stall in a K-Mart to a man who's name he never knew. How anyone who promised him they would never leave would be gone the next morning.

He told me about paying a prostitute an extra fifty dollars just to still be there when he woke up. She was still there, but was screwing one of the motel staff.

And about how his sense of trust is a bit warped... that he was so scared when I said my brother's name in my sleep because he truely though that I had found someone else...

He's going to work on it. And I trust that he will.

He has to trust me sooner or later.

I trust him completely, because of how he showed up and saved my frying ass ( read as : face) when I blew up the building, he was there when I went through the burning... he helped me then... and I know that he loves me.

And right now, even to selfish, greedy me...

that's enough.

So when he was done talking, done crying... I held his hand... got on one knee... and promised to make sure I'd be there every morning. He's wearing a ring again. Because when I proposed he said yes, of course... because when you get down to it, neither of us can survive right any other way. We need each other... to function...

Anyways, enough sappy Bullshit.

Matty's at his computer, and seems all too happy. He's better not be watching porn. I'm going to make him cuddle me... it's nice to feel wanted and warm in his arms...

so...

Bye for now, paper thing...

M


	33. Day Nineteen: Boobs and books

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU.. it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. If this does well, I'll write a companion piece from Matt's point of view. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary.

* * *

Fecking "Diary"

Dear fucking diary;

Hehehe Last night was -awesome-. I finally got to handcuff Mail like I originally intended. Oh damn it's fun to watch him squirm. Sweat beading, gasping for breath as he tries to buck but is restrained by his wrists, which are handcuffed together with a bedpost between them. His muffled moans captured by a scarf and his vision impeded by one of those sleeping mask things.

I took the liberty of washing our sheets myself this morning. No need to subject the staff to more knowledge than they already have. Hehehehe... speaking of the laundry, I'll be right back. They should be done drying by now. It should be safe enough to just leave this here. Mail is outside.

.

.

.

Well what have we here? It seems that Mello is unintelligent acting enough to leave valuable information, including his name just lying around. And I was just going to see if there was any extra shampoo kicking around in here. Very nice, Very ni

THAT BASTARD! STUPIDSTUPID STUPID NEAR.

NEAR READ MY DIARY.

I mean journal.

I mean worthless bunch of papers.

FUCK. HE READ ABOUT MY SEX LIFE!

Fuckin' queer... Wait... never mind.

Still. Fuck.

So I come in with a basket of laundry and see some pajama clad albino with gray hair (damned if I know, okay?) is WRITING in MY fucking DIARY. And he called me fucking "unintelligent". AT LEAST I DIDN'T KNOCK A BITCH UP, ALRIGHT!?

So anyways. I came in with the laundry and see him there and I threw the laundry basket at him. Which knocked him over and away from my book long enough for me to stuff it between the mattresses. And then put my foot on his stomach. Not hard or anything, just enough to keep him down. Cue verbal sparring.

"What the fuck are you doing in my room reading my shit?"

"Looking for shampoo. As you can see, my hair has a bit of an issue...Why the hell are you keeping a journal?"

"KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN, Albino freak!"

"Be nice, androgynous geek!"

"Shut the fuck up Pedobait!"

"Make me (he said something here that I don't even know how to spell, and I doubt was a real word. It rhymed with pedobait though)"

"PUSSY!"

"Wussy."

"Noob!"

"...boob!"

Cue entrance of Mail. And Me and Near both staring at each other and starting to laugh our asses off. Because he, Near, said "boob".

Thankfully Near was laughing hard enough that he didn't say anything as I hauled him out of my room, throwing a bottle of shampoo behind him. I don't want Mail knowing about you, Diary. You're kinda embarrassing. Aw, don't give me that look. You know I love you. He just wouldn't understand. Hush, paper friend...

M


	34. After the honeymoon: I'm sorry

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.I do own this story though, which is based on it. It isn't exactly AU.. it's AC, altered circumstances. Rated for the language and eventual maybe lemon. If this does well, I'll write a companion piece from Matt's point of view. This is all just Mello rambling in a "fecking" diary.

* * *

Fecking "Diary"

Dear fucking diary;

I'm so sorry! You got all packed up, didn't you! I put you away when that nasty man came to visit, before Mail could deal with him. I can't believe he read you. That nasty, nasty uncle. And then you got packed up and I couldn't -find- you! I'm so sorry.... this is a new house, y'see? I'm so sorry he touched you..... touched.....tou....

ANYWAYS.

Jesus Christ, thinking about that guy makes me spacy. I'm... going to try and fill you in as best as I can while still putting this fucking crib together. I finished the painting a while back..... light blue. Good for a nursery. Damned if I care that Nat's a girl. Apparently Yellow makes babys cry. And Blue paint is cheap. Not that money is any object here. Lots to burn, what with this kid being L's grandchild..... anyways.... Wedding went nicely, 'cept for that incident with floating slices cake, and honeymoon..........mmmmmmmm.

Honeymoon....-drool-.

Best.

Sex.

EVER.

Yeah, the wedding went well though. Very fun. Matt, standing at the alter with a doctor's mask on while I was across town, shoving a gun in the face of Mikami Teru, kidnapping him and forcing him into Near's SPK Van, where Givanni (or whatver his name is) explained the situation and got the death note off of the crazy religous freak. I kept my old gas mask on, the one that's burned where I am.... sentimental, y'know? So then I got James to walk me down the aisle (we're on good terms. We've got a lot in common, kind of. We both love his son, at least.) And... it was beautiful..... Very small wedding....

No one from my side could attend, obviously. Jade was my Maid of Honor. And Then Linda was another one... thawas it for them....L was best man...James walked me.... Rhia was in a pew with her brother from France, who was completely bewildered, Near was the ring bearer....Halle did not attend....Gev-whatever took care of Nat.....

It worked well. Very awesome reception. Some uninvted guests showed up. Sidoh, for example. Ryuk, too, since Teru ended up making some kond of deal.... one of Near's plan things....

Shit, Nat's crying!! Just finished the crib. Talk to you later, paper friend!

Sorry about packing you away!


End file.
